It’s odd that just yesterday I almost deleted my blog; and yet today I feel compelled to share.
This summer was a challenging one for me. During camp, and in the weeks that follow, God has been convicting me of my desire to control my own life. Even decisions others made that I liked stretched me, simply because I wasn’t able to make them for myself. Three of my favorite hours of the whole summer were spent alone in New York doing precisely what I wanted to do. I kept telling God, “I’ll be at peace when…”, “I’ll be okay if…”. Before finishing these fool-hardy sentences I’d get smacked in the head with the truth that I should be at peace and “okay” no matter what circumstance.
Even as I return home and pick up my daily life, I’m continually facing areas I can’t control. On a recent phone call with my sister she laughed at me and said “you just like to be in control of things”. I realized that she is right, of course, and that my learning to let go of the reigns did not stop simply because I changed coasts.
This time last year I purchased Francis Chan’s “Forgotten God.” I finally picked it up last night and began to read. I laugh, because I’m delinquent in getting to the book, but it is so perfectly timed to my life where I am now.
I just read:
“When it comes down to it, many of us do not really want to be led by the Holy Spirit. Or, more fundamentally, many of us don’t want to be led by anyone other than ourselves. The whole idea of giving up control (or the delusion of is) is terrifying, isn’t it? Do you thrive on controlling the big and small in your life? does the thought of letting go and listening to the Sprit’s guidance scare you and only make you cling tighter to what you think you have?” (50)
“But if you decide you do want to know His will, there will be moments when you have to let go of the fear of what that might mean–when you have to release your grip of control on your life and decide to be led, come what may.”